March 2021 Horoscopes: "Exciting News"

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PISCES! It’s your time to shine. 

In a shocking turn of events, Susan Miller posted her March horoscopes early! And to confuse matters even more, she included a cryptic note to her readers instructing them to return to her website on March 2 for ‘exciting news’  Laura and Alex start this episode by trying to make sense of the unexpectedly early horoscopes and the strange “Note from Susan Miller,” and then talk through the feelings of confusion and betrayal that resulted from her underwhelming announcement. 

Laura and Alex then give summaries of all the signs’ forecasts, which can be found at the following timestamps: 

Pisces: 25:21

Aries: 26:43

Taurus: 27:44

Gemini: 32:12

Cancer: 34:10

Leo: 35:07

Virgo: 34:43

Libra: 38:36

Scorpio: 39:27

Sagittarius: 46:19

Capricorn: 48:56

Aquarius: 50:17

Practical advice from Susan Miller: 53:08

Share your own thoughts on Susan Miller’s Astrology Zone with us by emailing astrologyzoned@gmail.com.

Links:

• Order a sample of Dolly Parton’s new perfume: https://scentbeauty.com/products/dolly-eau-de-parfum-3ml
• Watch Lucy and Ethel at the chocolate factory (a must-see for Capricorns this month): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkQ58I53mjk 
• Help Laura reach the full potential of her Susan Miller legacy by buying her romance novels: http://Lauralovelybooks.com
• Listen to Laura’s other podcasts, The Mermaid Podcast and You’re Doing Great, at: http://mermaidpodcast.com and http://fairybossmother.com

TRANSCRIPT: 

Laura: Hello, friends, listeners of the podcast. Welcome to our March episode. Me, Laura von Holt here with

Alex: I'm Alex Gershuny. Welcome. Thank you for listening.

Laura: Yeah, we have a lot to cover. Some big developments have happened in the world of Susan Miller, and to sum it all up before we start, I'll just say that it is Pisces season, and I think that we are underwater.

Alex: I think that's the perfect way to put it. You know, I, I thought we'd have kind of a calm month, to be perfectly honest, I thought, you know, well, you know we had an exciting February, we did the special romance episode and I was like okay well March is going to be, you know, standard going through horoscopes. I was very wrong. Susan did not disappoint. That may not be the right word, but we’ll explain.

Laura: Yeah. So I think let's just get into what threw us for the loop. You know now that we have a podcast, Alex and I the week before, or the last week of the month, we were like, when do we think she’ll post her horoscope when we record the podcast and we were like well February's a short month, so let's assume that she'll post into March on like the third or fourth of March because like February's a short month and she usually needs more time, but we were noticing that she was posting a lot when the Mars Rover was landing. And then she was radio silence and then on February 28 we see a social media post that says horoscopes are going up within the hour and I was, I was doing something so I didn't see it until then like three or four or five hours. And one of my friends texts me is like, it's, it's up and I'm like why do you mean it's up? It's February 28. March horoscopes are up?

Alex: Shocking.

Laura: Shocking. I mean, I mean, we were panic texting each other, and we were worried.

Alex: We were really worried.

Laura: We were worried. We were truly worried. I was trying to remember if there's ever been a time in the 14 or 15 years that I've read Susan Miller where she posted early. Sometimes she has been able to do it on the first of the month like late at night, but I cannot remember a time when she was early. So, I mean it is very funny that for Susan Miller to be earlier on time gives us cause for concern

Alex: But it's like the constant late posting, even though it's late, it's still consistent.

Laura: Yes, exactly.

Alex: I've grown to rely on that.

Laura: Exactly.

Alex: There was no, you know, for the past few months, she's been doing like at least a few tweets, social media posts, like I'm working on it. Writing Scorpio. Editors are standing by. We got none of that. One post, it's up, tell your friends.

Laura: Yeah. So you and I panicked, and then we were like, is there an explanation for why it's early? Like, are eyes so much better? Is Courtney helping her? Like, why is she now 25 years into her career on time? And so we ran to the Note from Susan Miller where the mystery only deepened. So Alex, what did that note say? Was there an explanation for why she was early?

Alex: I'm gonna say “explanation” is not the right word, but she did give us something. “Dear reader, I have exciting news to share with you that I think you will want to investigate, but I can't tell you until Tuesday, March 2. I wish I could tell you today. Please come back to read my Note from Susan Miller on March 2 to hear all about it.” And then she goes on to say how she will remind us with push notifications, etc. I mean but keep in mind this is this is February 28.

Laura: Then she says, March 2 she will have, so we don't have any more information on why she was early. And then, and then she'll come back March 2 to the Note from Susan Miller, which I don't mean to be rude, but I don't know that I ever started reading the Note from Susan Miller until we had the podcast so I don't know if anybody else saw that warning, but you and I thought it was cause for more alarm.

Alex: Much more alarm. Like the whole Susan Miller system, I was reeling. I felt like her whole system had broken down, because I was like we didn't get these like teaser posts on social media and then you astutely pointed out that what she was doing with the Note with kind of the same game of what she would do before.

Laura: It’s not now it's not now when you expect it it's not now, but definitely standing by, but she had a concrete of Tuesday, March 2. And one of my other friends pointed out that like time has no money to her so like, why are you so worried about March 2 versus the 28th, and I was like I don't know but it's just it's erratic and I don't like it.

Alex: Yeah, I didn't like it at all. I thought my entire world had been

Laura: Yeah, because we have said like the only comfort we have in the pandemic is that she's always late.

Alex: Right. Right. Don't deliver your product on time, Susan. It’s really detrimental to our health.

Laura: Really, and then she said it was something that you will want to investigate. So then, then you and I were like okay what are, let's just get let's make our guesses now and then we will confirm on March 2. So when’s she like, you will want to investigate, I was like it's not a personal update then, it's got to be Susan Miller business woman has something yeah tell us. Alex: Yeah, right. We knew we ruled out pretty fast that it was personal and it was not astrological. It was not like, I'm going to come back on March 2 and I'm going to tell you this great thing about the universe. We knew that was not it, so we had a few ideas.

Laura: Yes, what were our predictions?

Alex: We thought perhaps it was some kind of media opportunity so maybe Susan was getting a new TV show. It occurred to you, rightfully so, it could be a podcast.

Laura: Yes, because she tells everyone in like every horoscope that you might be starting a blog or a podcast, so I was like it's, it's that and that's why she hasn't responded to our podcast, because she’s starting her own. And then, then, it was like oh is that is that concerning, and then I was like no because I was thinking as Laura von Holt the businesswoman lessons I've learned from Susan Miller the business woman, are that if I was someone was searching for a podcast by her they would they would find ours, it would pop up so I just was like, it will be okay.

Alex: Right, right.

Laure: But then also, we would just pivot into like critiquing her podcast.

Alex: Which would have been more content for us. Yeah, we're pretty sure it was a media opportunity and then we thought, okay, well, the fact that she put that clear date in there come back on March 2, we thought maybe it was some kind of like business change or business opportunity like she was partnering with someone or there was like some merger, something that there was a contract and so she said I can't talk about this until March 2.

Laura: Yeah I was thinking of like when people get TV shows and then they want to announce it on their Instagram but they have to wait like Busy Philipps will be like I want to tell you about my TV show and then like the studio was like no no no Busy, you have to wait till Deadline announces it first, so we're like, oh, Susan's waiting for Deadline.com to announce it.

Alex: Exactly. Yeah, I did think also, even though this would be horrifying, maybe she was like putting up some kind of paywall, like putting certain content behind the wall. And then we had one more guess, which was that it was something to do with NASA, because she has been so invested in the whole thing with the Mars Rover, plus we learned in the last, I think it was the last horoscope, that she’s got a direct line to NASA so we were like, oh my god possible merger or contract with NASA.

Laura: Yes. She was very into the Mars rover thing and in fact she was then I was looking at the Mars Rover thing I realized that like JPL was very involved in that one, and JPL is the one that she said she had a direct line to. So I was like, NASA could be a huge possibility. NASA’s expanding from Mars Rovers into astrology, and Susan’s gonna be like a leading like whatever the task force is when like Mars is conjunct Jupiter or something and I was like that’s absolutely gonna happen.

Alex: So I think we gave three great, great guesses, but we were not right.

Laura: We were not right. So then, let's fast forward to March 2. At midnight on March 2 I have a friend in Texas who texted me, it's, it's midnight on March 2, East Coast time, is it up yet and I was like, it is not up yet and thank you for caring. Thank you for listening to the podcast and thank you for caring.

Alex: Yeah, thank you.

Laura: Um, and then so you know night owl like Susan Miller, I wake up in the morning at a later hour than other people to a lot of text messages because it was in fact up. And it was not the announcement that anyone expected and so I got a lot of just text message that just had question marks in them. So then I read it and immediately panic texted you. What did it say, Alex?

Alex: I'm going to innocently pick up my phone. First of all I agree and despite the fact that she published the March forecasts on February 28, I did not think she was going to be posting her announcement on March 2 early in the day. It will be like six o'clock.

Laura: Yes, we have time.

Alex: Yeah, well, Susan, got a very exciting opportunity to… it seems like what they have paid her for is to write a somewhat long essay about the pandemic, the Age of Aquarius, and CBD sparkling water.

Laura: Yes okay but so wait so but back it up because the first few paragraphs are like it's been so stressful with the pandemic and I'm like okay she's really talking about the pandemic, as she does because you know Susan Miller is one of my favorite epidemiologists so I was like okay okay pandemics stress stress stress, and I was like she's going to make a major prediction or something where we get to. And then she's like, and so I have partnered with the CBD fizzy water and then launches into a description of how there's going to be a manuscript that's published on their website about the company, about, and then all of the fizzy water and then how she has… So so first of all, I'm just reeling because I'm like, wait, this whole thing was about CBD fizzy water, how does that relate to astrology? Then she's like there are four flavors and I've assigned them to the elements, so air signs, one flavor, earth signs, another flavor water signs, etc. Okay. And then she talks about how she likes to have one when she's stressed out. Right so it's the whole thing is already just bizarre, it’s nothing like we we anticipated or that made sense, like if she said like, I'm partnering with Goop and now we are going to have like vibrators based on your astrological sign, I would have been like, okay, okay, or like, like or if she's like I'm now writing a book about astrology that felt like it was completely out of left field, and the fact that it was a CBD fizzy water it made me think about when I get on Instagram some DM from like a random jewelry company that's like, we want to collab and, like, that means they want me to like wear a necklace or something, and then I get a gift card. Yeah, so I was like how, what does this deal, how did this come about? And then she said oh Courtney had alerted her to it. Courtney her assistant.

Alex: Yes.

Laura: Yeah, so it was nothing at all like what you would expect and also seemed like very odd that a CBD fizzy water didn't really fit with her brand but then she was like loosely connecting it to astrology, then, then I went to the website, and there was nothing about her on it because I made it sound like she was a big partner. There's nothing about Susan on the website. And then I see that like Martha Stewart through another line of the company has her own line of like CBD stuff which makes sense for Martha Stewart because she and Snoop Dogg have a show. But it's not Susan Miller branded it's like so literally see it seems like they paid her to kind of talk about it but also she just like did it in this in there like Note to Susan Miller blog post, which again we don't really know if anybody reads. And she doesn't start it off in like here's my announcement, she starts it off like a concerned note about the pandemic.

Alex: Right. And I expect Susan to be over the top, and like, bring the drama. But she laid it on so thick in the beginning of that note where she’s like, the pandemic has been so hard, I talk to the people who translate my horoscopes in Asia, etc., and we’re all having this terrible experience but we’re stronger for it because we’ve come together and life is so hard in pandemic time, and then it’s like, buy CBD water.

Laura: Which, the CBD water is only available in the US.

Alex: Exactly. So it’s not helping the people that are translating.

Laura: So then, so it's not even like a very good influencer deal where she's like branded it’s just like she wrote this loose kind of blog posts about it on her website. There's no social media posts about it. She did make an Instagram story that was like my news is up, check out the note but like there's no branded posts on Instagram. It's not a very good influencing job is just what I'm going to say there. And then, and then this is the part Alex so first of all I'm like, what the heck is this, why is this, none of this makes sense. And then she's listing the stressors that like have led her to indulge in the CBD and this is where I think, I think I broke. I broke. It was like, sometimes, like, oh no my assistant Courtney is going out of town. Oh, stress on me. Oh no, like my web, which we know her web team we have so many questions, is like, there's been a potential hack, no wonder I don't sleep at night. And then what was the third one, it was like it was something about oh there was like a customer service issue with her wall calendar. And those are the things where she's like, led to drink CBD water and then feels relaxed. And I was like, Susan, you started off with the pandemic like we are in a situation of global mass death like we are beyond, we are beyond CBD water, like that's not that's not really going to help. You start out and then it was also you start off with so much concern and then offer me, I mean it really did feel like it was in line with the past year of the pandemic where people, like there's no, there's no water in Mississippi right now. And she’s like, have some CBD water and I was like this is not, read the room. Like your horoscopes are comforting but this this influencing, it was just inelegantly done and also bizarre. And then I kind of felt like that I felt bad because I was like, did I expect too much from her, because usually we’re like everything is things she does that's like a little kooky we're like it's part of the charm it's part of the charm, you're like, but this was like not charming, and I wasn't charmed and I felt like a little disappointed and maybe a little bit betrayed because it was just so it was so poorly executed, as well as just being lame, I guess.

Alex: It’s lame. I think I texted you I felt swindled, which maybe is an overreaction on my part, but there was so much build up and then we went we went back to our guesses and we were like, okay, well we were giving her way too much credit,

Laura: We were making like informed business decisions. So Yeah, okay, yeah so we were giving her like a ton of credit, about what this business decision would be, and then we got some CBD fizzy water, and I did have a thought that there was like kind of like mercury retrograde was written all over this deal, that like she couldn't announce it till way till we were way the clear I guess or something but also that it was just so like weirdly done that it, I don't know, it had like the best, the most like benefit of the doubt I could give her is that like there was some astrological confusion amongst the execution. But also on behalf of the water company, I'm like, why and again back to the timing of this, if I were wanting to give a sponsorship to Susan Miller, my inclination would be like, like let's wait, let's not announce it until a few days into March because we know you're always late with your horoscopes, and then with your horoscopes let’s announce this this thing, when people are going to your site to look for it, but instead she posts the horoscopes early, which none of her audience is conditioned to expect. Then she says in this one little Note, which isn't what everyone reads because they go to their,  their own horoscope first, we don't know that they already. I mean she might have web analytics that tell us that people read this Note to Susan Miller, but assuming they go to their own horoscope they don't read her note, she tells you in the note come back March 2, then on March 2 she posts this kind of inelegant blog post. When you go to the website of the things she's talking there's no mention of her. In fact, it wasn't until today that we saw her blog posts that she'd written for them.

Alex: And that was only because I searched her name in their search box. There’s nothing on the landing page.

Laura: So as the professional that works for the sponsor, none of the timing makes sense for them either. Like Susan, we know like has her own sense of time, fine, but as a sponsor there wasn't anything, like I would have been like when you announce your horoscopes on March 2 third or fourth we don't mind when then, like, announce the water...