Episode 5

March 2021 Horoscopes: "Exciting News"

Published on: 6th March, 2021

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PISCES! It’s your time to shine. 

In a shocking turn of events, Susan Miller posted her March horoscopes early! And to confuse matters even more, she included a cryptic note to her readers instructing them to return to her website on March 2 for ‘exciting news’  Laura and Alex start this episode by trying to make sense of the unexpectedly early horoscopes and the strange “Note from Susan Miller,” and then talk through the feelings of confusion and betrayal that resulted from her underwhelming announcement. 

Laura and Alex then give summaries of all the signs’ forecasts, which can be found at the following timestamps: 

Pisces: 25:21

Aries: 26:43

Taurus: 27:44

Gemini: 32:12

Cancer: 34:10

Leo: 35:07

Virgo: 34:43

Libra: 38:36

Scorpio: 39:27

Sagittarius: 46:19

Capricorn: 48:56

Aquarius: 50:17

Practical advice from Susan Miller: 53:08

Share your own thoughts on Susan Miller’s Astrology Zone with us by emailing astrologyzoned@gmail.com.

Links:

TRANSCRIPT

Laura: Hello, friends, listeners of the podcast. Welcome to our March episode. Me, Laura von Holt here with

Alex: I'm Alex Gershuny. Welcome. Thank you for listening.

Laura: Yeah, we have a lot to cover. Some big developments have happened in the world of Susan Miller, and to sum it all up before we start, I'll just say that it is Pisces season, and I think that we are underwater.

Alex: I think that's the perfect way to put it. You know, I, I thought we'd have kind of a calm month, to be perfectly honest, I thought, you know, well, you know we had an exciting February, we did the special romance episode and I was like okay well March is going to be, you know, standard going through horoscopes. I was very wrong. Susan did not disappoint. That may not be the right word, but we’ll explain.

Laura: Yeah. So I think let's just get into what threw us for the loop. You know now that we have a podcast, Alex and I the week before, or the last week of the month, we were like, when do we think she’ll post her horoscope when we record the podcast and we were like well February's a short month, so let's assume that she'll post into March on like the third or fourth of March because like February's a short month and she usually needs more time, but we were noticing that she was posting a lot when the Mars Rover was landing. And then she was radio silence and then on February 28 we see a social media post that says horoscopes are going up within the hour and I was, I was doing something so I didn't see it until then like three or four or five hours. And one of my friends texts me is like, it's, it's up and I'm like why do you mean it's up? It's February 28. March horoscopes are up?

Alex: Shocking.

Laura: Shocking. I mean, I mean, we were panic texting each other, and we were worried.

Alex: We were really worried.

Laura: We were worried. We were truly worried. I was trying to remember if there's ever been a time in the 14 or 15 years that I've read Susan Miller where she posted early. Sometimes she has been able to do it on the first of the month like late at night, but I cannot remember a time when she was early. So, I mean it is very funny that for Susan Miller to be earlier on time gives us cause for concern

Alex: But it's like the constant late posting, even though it's late, it's still consistent.

Laura: Yes, exactly.

Alex: I've grown to rely on that.

Laura: Exactly.

Alex: There was no, you know, for the past few months, she's been doing like at least a few tweets, social media posts, like I'm working on it. Writing Scorpio. Editors are standing by. We got none of that. One post, it's up, tell your friends.

Laura: Yeah. So you and I panicked, and then we were like, is there an explanation for why it's early? Like, are eyes so much better? Is Courtney helping her? Like, why is she now 25 years into her career on time? And so we ran to the Note from Susan Miller where the mystery only deepened. So Alex, what did that note say? Was there an explanation for why she was early?

Alex: I'm gonna say “explanation” is not the right word, but she did give us something. “Dear reader, I have exciting news to share with you that I think you will want to investigate, but I can't tell you until Tuesday, March 2. I wish I could tell you today. Please come back to read my Note from Susan Miller on March 2 to hear all about it.” And then she goes on to say how she will remind us with push notifications, etc. I mean but keep in mind this is this is February 28.

Laura: Then she says, March 2 she will have, so we don't have any more information on why she was early. And then, and then she'll come back March 2 to the Note from Susan Miller, which I don't mean to be rude, but I don't know that I ever started reading the Note from Susan Miller until we had the podcast so I don't know if anybody else saw that warning, but you and I thought it was cause for more alarm.

Alex: Much more alarm. Like the whole Susan Miller system, I was reeling. I felt like her whole system had broken down, because I was like we didn't get these like teaser posts on social media and then you astutely pointed out that what she was doing with the Note with kind of the same game of what she would do before.

Laura: It’s not now it's not now when you expect it it's not now, but definitely standing by, but she had a concrete of Tuesday, March 2. And one of my other friends pointed out that like time has no money to her so like, why are you so worried about March 2 versus the 28th, and I was like I don't know but it's just it's erratic and I don't like it.

Alex: Yeah, I didn't like it at all. I thought my entire world had been

Laura: Yeah, because we have said like the only comfort we have in the pandemic is that she's always late.

Alex: Right. Right. Don't deliver your product on time, Susan. It’s really detrimental to our health.

Laura: Really, and then she said it was something that you will want to investigate. So then, then you and I were like okay what are, let's just get let's make our guesses now and then we will confirm on March 2. So when’s she like, you will want to investigate, I was like it's not a personal update then, it's got to be Susan Miller business woman has something yeah tell us. Alex: Yeah, right. We knew we ruled out pretty fast that it was personal and it was not astrological. It was not like, I'm going to come back on March 2 and I'm going to tell you this great thing about the universe. We knew that was not it, so we had a few ideas.

Laura: Yes, what were our predictions?

Alex: We thought perhaps it was some kind of media opportunity so maybe Susan was getting a new TV show. It occurred to you, rightfully so, it could be a podcast.

Laura: Yes, because she tells everyone in like every horoscope that you might be starting a blog or a podcast, so I was like it's, it's that and that's why she hasn't responded to our podcast, because she’s starting her own. And then, then, it was like oh is that is that concerning, and then I was like no because I was thinking as Laura von Holt the businesswoman lessons I've learned from Susan Miller the business woman, are that if I was someone was searching for a podcast by her they would they would find ours, it would pop up so I just was like, it will be okay.

Alex: Right, right.

Laure: But then also, we would just pivot into like critiquing her podcast.

Alex: Which would have been more content for us. Yeah, we're pretty sure it was a media opportunity and then we thought, okay, well, the fact that she put that clear date in there come back on March 2, we thought maybe it was some kind of like business change or business opportunity like she was partnering with someone or there was like some merger, something that there was a contract and so she said I can't talk about this until March 2.

Laura: Yeah I was thinking of like when people get TV shows and then they want to announce it on their Instagram but they have to wait like Busy Philipps will be like I want to tell you about my TV show and then like the studio was like no no no Busy, you have to wait till Deadline announces it first, so we're like, oh, Susan's waiting for Deadline.com to announce it.

Alex: Exactly. Yeah, I did think also, even though this would be horrifying, maybe she was like putting up some kind of paywall, like putting certain content behind the wall. And then we had one more guess, which was that it was something to do with NASA, because she has been so invested in the whole thing with the Mars Rover, plus we learned in the last, I think it was the last horoscope, that she’s got a direct line to NASA so we were like, oh my god possible merger or contract with NASA.

Laura: Yes. She was very into the Mars rover thing and in fact she was then I was looking at the Mars Rover thing I realized that like JPL was very involved in that one, and JPL is the one that she said she had a direct line to. So I was like, NASA could be a huge possibility. NASA’s expanding from Mars Rovers into astrology, and Susan’s gonna be like a leading like whatever the task force is when like Mars is conjunct Jupiter or something and I was like that’s absolutely gonna happen.

Alex: So I think we gave three great, great guesses, but we were not right.

Laura: We were not right. So then, let's fast forward to March 2. At midnight on March 2 I have a friend in Texas who texted me, it's, it's midnight on March 2, East Coast time, is it up yet and I was like, it is not up yet and thank you for caring. Thank you for listening to the podcast and thank you for caring.

Alex: Yeah, thank you.

Laura: Um, and then so you know night owl like Susan Miller, I wake up in the morning at a later hour than other people to a lot of text messages because it was in fact up. And it was not the announcement that anyone expected and so I got a lot of just text message that just had question marks in them. So then I read it and immediately panic texted you. What did it say, Alex?

Alex: I'm going to innocently pick up my phone. First of all I agree and despite the fact that she published the March forecasts on February 28, I did not think she was going to be posting her announcement on March 2 early in the day. It will be like six o'clock.

Laura: Yes, we have time.

Alex: Yeah, well, Susan, got a very exciting opportunity to… it seems like what they have paid her for is to write a somewhat long essay about the pandemic, the Age of Aquarius, and CBD sparkling water.

Laura: Yes okay but so wait so but back it up because the first few paragraphs are like it's been so stressful with the pandemic and I'm like okay she's really talking about the pandemic, as she does because you know Susan Miller is one of my favorite epidemiologists so I was like okay okay pandemics stress stress stress, and I was like she's going to make a major prediction or something where we get to. And then she's like, and so I have partnered with the CBD fizzy water and then launches into a description of how there's going to be a manuscript that's published on their website about the company, about, and then all of the fizzy water and then how she has… So so first of all, I'm just reeling because I'm like, wait, this whole thing was about CBD fizzy water, how does that relate to astrology? Then she's like there are four flavors and I've assigned them to the elements, so air signs, one flavor, earth signs, another flavor water signs, etc. Okay. And then she talks about how she likes to have one when she's stressed out. Right so it's the whole thing is already just bizarre, it’s nothing like we we anticipated or that made sense, like if she said like, I'm partnering with Goop and now we are going to have like vibrators based on your astrological sign, I would have been like, okay, okay, or like, like or if she's like I'm now writing a book about astrology that felt like it was completely out of left field, and the fact that it was a CBD fizzy water it made me think about when I get on Instagram some DM from like a random jewelry company that's like, we want to collab and, like, that means they want me to like wear a necklace or something, and then I get a gift card. Yeah, so I was like how, what does this deal, how did this come about? And then she said oh Courtney had alerted her to it. Courtney her assistant.

Alex: Yes.

Laura: Yeah, so it was nothing at all like what you would expect and also seemed like very odd that a CBD fizzy water didn't really fit with her brand but then she was like loosely connecting it to astrology, then, then I went to the website, and there was nothing about her on it because I made it sound like she was a big partner. There's nothing about Susan on the website. And then I see that like Martha Stewart through another line of the company has her own line of like CBD stuff which makes sense for Martha Stewart because she and Snoop Dogg have a show. But it's not Susan Miller branded it's like so literally see it seems like they paid her to kind of talk about it but also she just like did it in this in there like Note to Susan Miller blog post, which again we don't really know if anybody reads. And she doesn't start it off in like here's my announcement, she starts it off like a concerned note about the pandemic.

Alex: Right. And I expect Susan to be over the top, and like, bring the drama. But she laid it on so thick in the beginning of that note where she’s like, the pandemic has been so hard, I talk to the people who translate my horoscopes in Asia, etc., and we’re all having this terrible experience but we’re stronger for it because we’ve come together and life is so hard in pandemic time, and then it’s like, buy CBD water.

Laura: Which, the CBD water is only available in the US.

Alex: Exactly. So it’s not helping the people that are translating.

Laura: So then, so it's not even like a very good influencer deal where she's like branded it’s just like she wrote this loose kind of blog posts about it on her website. There's no social media posts about it. She did make an Instagram story that was like my news is up, check out the note but like there's no branded posts on Instagram. It's not a very good influencing job is just what I'm going to say there. And then, and then this is the part Alex so first of all I'm like, what the heck is this, why is this, none of this makes sense. And then she's listing the stressors that like have led her to indulge in the CBD and this is where I think, I think I broke. I broke. It was like, sometimes, like, oh no my assistant Courtney is going out of town. Oh, stress on me. Oh no, like my web, which we know her web team we have so many questions, is like, there's been a potential hack, no wonder I don't sleep at night. And then what was the third one, it was like it was something about oh there was like a customer service issue with her wall calendar. And those are the things where she's like, led to drink CBD water and then feels relaxed. And I was like, Susan, you started off with the pandemic like we are in a situation of global mass death like we are beyond, we are beyond CBD water, like that's not that's not really going to help. You start out and then it was also you start off with so much concern and then offer me, I mean it really did feel like it was in line with the past year of the pandemic where people, like there's no, there's no water in Mississippi right now. And she’s like, have some CBD water and I was like this is not, read the room. Like your horoscopes are comforting but this this influencing, it was just inelegantly done and also bizarre. And then I kind of felt like that I felt bad because I was like, did I expect too much from her, because usually we’re like everything is things she does that's like a little kooky we're like it's part of the charm it's part of the charm, you're like, but this was like not charming, and I wasn't charmed and I felt like a little disappointed and maybe a little bit betrayed because it was just so it was so poorly executed, as well as just being lame, I guess.

Alex: It’s lame. I think I texted you I felt swindled, which maybe is an overreaction on my part, but there was so much build up and then we went we went back to our guesses and we were like, okay, well we were giving her way too much credit,

Laura: We were making like informed business decisions. So Yeah, okay, yeah so we were giving her like a ton of credit, about what this business decision would be, and then we got some CBD fizzy water, and I did have a thought that there was like kind of like mercury retrograde was written all over this deal, that like she couldn't announce it till way till we were way the clear I guess or something but also that it was just so like weirdly done that it, I don't know, it had like the best, the most like benefit of the doubt I could give her is that like there was some astrological confusion amongst the execution. But also on behalf of the water company, I'm like, why and again back to the timing of this, if I were wanting to give a sponsorship to Susan Miller, my inclination would be like, like let's wait, let's not announce it until a few days into March because we know you're always late with your horoscopes, and then with your horoscopes let’s announce this this thing, when people are going to your site to look for it, but instead she posts the horoscopes early, which none of her audience is conditioned to expect. Then she says in this one little Note, which isn't what everyone reads because they go to their,  their own horoscope first, we don't know that they already. I mean she might have web analytics that tell us that people read this Note to Susan Miller, but assuming they go to their own horoscope they don't read her note, she tells you in the note come back March 2, then on March 2 she posts this kind of inelegant blog post. When you go to the website of the things she's talking there's no mention of her. In fact, it wasn't until today that we saw her blog posts that she'd written for them.

Alex: And that was only because I searched her name in their search box. There’s nothing on the landing page.

Laura: So as the professional that works for the sponsor, none of the timing makes sense for them either. Like Susan, we know like has her own sense of time, fine, but as a sponsor there wasn't anything, like I would have been like when you announce your horoscopes on March 2 third or fourth we don't mind when then, like, announce the water deal, right. No, so why does this feel like she got a DM up Instagram and then like, took the hundred and fifty dollars.

Alex: I think she did.

Laura: I think she did. which is fine, but then I was thinking, Alex, because of course you know, I was like, does this spell out, because Susan Miller is a very like futuristic thinker, so then I was thinking does this mean that there is something, is there a hidden message and now that she's, she might not be sending us hidden messages, but I'm wondering if this signals a slight change in her business plan. And is there something that like will be revealed eventually when it occurs to her to speak about the astrology behind it, but like, because like is there we're in a recession, people are making changes, like the global economy is shifting obviously so like, is this a harbinger of what's to come from Susan Miller's business plan and like, and like bless her, we have read her content for free for 15 years so like whatever she’s gotta do to make the money, but Susan Miller the influencer has a lot to learn.

Alex: I think so too. It just didn't it didn't sit well with me, the whole thing, and then even, you know you texted me and you said, oh it's CBD water. In my mind, I thought, and this was me, making an assumption, but I was like why would Susan develop a line of CBD water? She didn't even develop a line of CBD water. This company had four flavors and then she assigned the elements to these four flavors. Like I, you know…

Laura: it doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make any sense but then in the blog post that just got posted on their website which you can only find, maybe we'll link to it. No should we link to it? I don't know what the ethics of this are like, are we doing better influencing than she is?

Alex: Well, she’s not posting about it at all.

Laura: Alright so yeah you guys can go read her Note from Susan Miller and get influenced if you feel so influenced. But there’s four flavors. For Taurus, it was like, oh you like these kinds of things, you can get a massage from your partner, that’s what you like, so drink this flavor, and I was like, No.

Alex: You didn’t fall for it. You were not influenced.

Laura: Right. Well also I looked at the four flavors and I was like, if, if this company wants to send me a free bottle for my free and fair review, I will tell them the flavor that I would like and it would be the passion fruit and guava one.

Alex: Wow. And does that correlate to your sign?

Laura: No Tauruses she said should get the blueberry and acai flavor.

Alex: Oh. I mean, despite Susan like fully betraying me this month, I think I would I would get, I would ask for the one that she assigned to my sign, because I would like to like, fully experience what she set up for me even though I don't know how much thought she really put into this. Here's the thing, it's a sales pitch so I don't know why, like I need to come to terms with that but the, the, the manuscript that lives on the Quatreau website as she said is so corny. Scorpio was like, I think it was Scorpio, it was like, oh, a good way for you to relax is through exercise. And when you're done exercising like grab a Quatreau, or like someone else's was like, a relaxing activity for you is to speak to a friend so while you're on the phone, pick up your CBD water. It’s too much for me.

Laura: And all marketing is like essentially a little hokey but like good selling you don't usually notice as much as you've been sold, and we have been sold on Susan Miller in a lot of weird ways, so like we are primed to purchase.

Alex: If we are not purchasing this, that says something that's not great.

Laura: Yeah. And, I mean, you know, when I’m going back like business models changing like Susan Miller I think has been successful because she was a little ahead of her time in that she was like one of the first astrologists to get like a good website and like embrace the internet and like her Saturn was doing I forget whatever it was, was whatever my Saturn is doing now too, you know, but, and she's has embraced like social media. But, like, influencer culture takes some getting used to, there's a certain way that things are done effectively, it's always shifting it's always changing as like social media and advertising and that microcosm changes but you know what, now that I think about it, her website has never been that great, so like it was actually on brand,

Alex: She had a website. She created a website.

Laura: Which was the thing. And she did create a blog post to influence us about this water. So you know, but anyway, so I think the businesswoman lessons I learned from this are like be judicious about what products you accept for promotion. Really make sure they are in line with your brand or what people expect from you and then, and then, you know, really think through how you're going to influence them, but you know if they're not paying her enough, this blog post was fine.

Alex: That's true.

Laura: If they only sent her four flavors and she did all this work, like, fine.

Alex: I am so curious what they paid her for.

Laura: But the end result did not warrant the hype that she built up to it whereas usually she's like the horoscopes are coming the horoscopes are coming and then we read the horoscope and I'm like, ooh, did you know that like Cancer is in their emerald year, or whatever. That's not Cancer, but you know what I mean. Like ooh and did you know, right, then I feel like oh the hype was worth it. I've got the good info. This did not. This did not live up to it so

Alex: No, and it was also funny, she when we were reading the, we come on, we see that the horoscopes are posted early we see that the notes going to come later. But we wanted to get a jump on reading through all the horoscopes because they're rather long and so you had said, ooh while you're reading them, see if there's any kind of reference to what could be to come, what could be the thing to investigate. And when I got your text and you said this is about CBD fizzy water, I was like, well guess what, there is no allusion to that in the rest of the horoscopes because it’s CBD water.

Laura: And you know if we weren't, if we were expert astrologists and not just expert horoscope readers, maybe we would have more insight of the astrology that affected this bizarre deal, but we don't have it, so all that said, we, we entered the month in a state of disarray, confusion, and anxiety. But good news for everyone else. Is that your horoscopes are bright and we are going to tell you about them. So, you know, don't worry, let's let's put this botched influencer deal behind us.

Alex: I'm trying, Laura. I’m trying.

Laura: I'm going to be reeling about this for a while but let's, let's put it behind us. And let's, let's move into where Susan Miller is on firm footing, which is offering us a lot of optimism and a few cautionary words for our future for our month of March. So March horoscopes 2021, let's get into it. Okay, so we're going to start off with Pisces. Pisces. It is your season, happy birthday to all of our Pisces. Oh, I want to say happy birthday to my dad. Yeah. Yeah, and my step dad, they're both five days apart, it's very convenient. So happy birthday to the men who had a hand in raising me. Happy birthday to all of our Pisces babies. So something that Susan Miller said for you, Pisces, is that Venus will be in Pisces from the start of the month until March 21st, another big plus. You will have a certain glow about you that others will find irresistible. Very good. And then she brought this up again. You are in a very potent time for you are getting ready for the very best year of your life to come next year in 2022. That will be your emerald year as I call it. She has yet to explain it, or I might have missed what the Emerald year is, but she keeps talking about it for Pisces. So you will get a solid preview of what's to come when Jupiter the planet of good fortune moves into Pisces this year from May 13 of July 28th, that's when your biggest opportunities will be getting rolling your way in 2021, opportunities you never thought would come to you, so happy birthday Pisces, opportunities are coming to you.

Alex: What a great forecast for Pisces. That's very nice. Okay, moving on to Aries. March 2021. Incredibly positive. She actually said, it looks like all the pieces of your puzzle are about to fall into place. Exciting. That was her “exciting,” not mine, just my, you know, my excitement. I thought this was interesting, something for the Aries to keep in mind, she said, “your dreams this month, may become more prophetic and your instinct will grow quite strong. Listen to it, even if you have no solid reason to do so. Later, everything will be revealed, and you will be proven correct.” Pay attention to those dreams, Aries.

Laura: Yeah, that's good. That's good to know.

Alex: Yeah, and on the romance front she said that Aries is going to be quote Venus's flavor of the month.

Laura: Oh my.

Alex: So all ll very positive for Aries too.

Laura: Yeah ok Taurus, a highlight from your horoscope for March 2021. I'm a Taurus. So, so you'll get a little more information on this because I was curious. So Tauruses, the reason January was so good for us to start new ventures was that Mars, the action plan of courage and drive entered Taurus on January 6 and will finally leave our sign March 3. And let's not forget Tauruses, January was when she told Alex and I to start a podcast so that's why this podcast is so successful is because she told us to do it.

Alex: And we listened.

Laura: Yeah, and Mars was our was, was entered Taurus. Okay so from March 23 to April 23, Taurus, Mars will visit Gemini, our second house of earned income. She says this will motivate us to increase our income but will focus us on other money matters too, it might be a very expensive month with like taxes and stuff so I just want to warn everyone, but also it looks like our income will increase as well so just, just letting you know. And  then also there's a new moon on March 13 and she said there's, there's many options for you as Susan does, she lays all the options. But one way for us to take advantage of this new moon in the weeks ahead is that the same area of your chart the 11th house rules hopes and wishes, with a new moon arriving there you can begin moving toward your dreams, no matter how big or how long you think getting to your final goal will take, get started. Every long journey and every big idea starts with the first step. Wow, so like, yeah, now is the new moon of March 13 for Taurus is the time to dream big, whatever you need most in life: Money career love a new home or something as simple as a new computer. Go for it. In astrology it matters when you begin. Always start on a new moon. And then she said on the full moon around, sorry after the full moon, a project you're working on might be due by no later than March 31 and if you put in hard work this seems destined to become a jewel in your crown, you will be paid well too, and I like this because I told you I was working on a romance novel and like the edits that I'm working on will be do around the end of March. So, that was good news for me. Then she also said, I'm just bringing this up because it was like a vaguely sexist, I'm not sure. Note to Taurus women, a new season will officially arrive on March 20 and with it the light changes. You may want to look at new makeup colors and find a fresh new scent. And this reminded me when I used to have this like binder that you would order from Teen Magazine, and it would be like, here's your color palette and here's like the kind of colors you should wear in the makeup you should use it right like like very antiquated advice,

Alex: Like, Are you an autumn? Yeah. Are you a spring?

Laura: And then also don't forget your girdle! But she said find a fresh new sense and I was like, I will just take that as my clue, because I have heard that Dolly Parton’s new perfume is very good and you can get a sample of it for $10 from her website. So Susan Miller did not influence me to buy CBD fizzy water, but she did influence to me to get Dolly Parton's perfume.

Alex: So, that's great. Yeah. I will say, a lot of the forecasts I read this month had that in it, and I didn't love it. I felt like there were, you know, of course, great to have fun and dress up if you would like to but there were a lot of forecasts that were like, you may meet someone, so make sure you look good. And that just didn't sit well with me.

Laura: Yeah, I mean we’re all wearing pajamas. Like, come on. I did see this funny video where someone's like I reached a new personal best during quarantine, and everyone's like what is it, and they're like I grew my, it was a woman, I grew my hair to one inch long and showed a ruler, and I was like Bravo, way to go, well done. That's really applying yourself. Really. So, dear listeners, we will love you no matter your color palette or the length of your leg hair, but do try Dolly Parton’s perfume.

Alex: Yeah. Great. We can put a link for that.

Laura: Definitely. What’s Next?

Alex: Oh are you finished with Taurus?

Laura: I’m done with Taurus, yeah.

Alex: Ok great okay Gemini is next. And let me just say I have not read an opening better than this in a long time. She wrote: Gemini, your chart is so special this month that I am breathless. The configurations I'm seeing here for your career are so special as to be rarer than diamonds. Dear Gemini, you have everything working in your favor in a way you've not seen in years.

Laura: Wow Gemini, oh my gosh.

Alex: I mean you almost don't even need to know anything else but she said that you're going to find yourself cast in the role of a leader, you're going to find a project that's perfect for you that uses your talents in such a great way. And she did also throw in if you haven't been dating or you're single, make sure to look your best because like you never know who you're going to meet, which like whatever, Gemini focus on the fact that she's breathless, and that your chart is so great and rarer than diamonds.

Laura: Oh that's nice, and look Geminis, if you if you do find love please let these salty single women know. Sorry that we so don't believe. I think I really believe in the power of these horoscopes when it comes to like career and like home repair, but when she talks about romance we’re always like, whomp whomp. But please, if you have if you have a brighter outlook, like, let us know.

Alex: Please, we'd love to hear your brighter outlook. On the other hand, I think my like cold dead heart will always be skeptical about the suggestion of choosing a fresh scent to find love.

Laura: Correct, correct. I mean, also, I mean I'm going to back you up with some science because they have said that like women that are on birth control pick different partners than when they're not on birth control because it affects your pheromones so the nose is not the only thing that guides the heart. Okay.

Alex: Sorry, noses. Okay, well that's Gemini.

Laura: Okay so Cancer, you this is your horoscope for March 2021. Susan Miller says you have such a glorious emphasis on your solar ninth house ruling among other things people at a distance that you will want to look at executives overseas as your best area of impending profit and advancement. She talks a lot about how like anything overseas or foreign for your career will be like very good for you. And she said, especially around the new moon of March 13, the ninth house also rules your role as a student in college, or graduate school, broadcasting, and publishing, publicity, advertising. And then there was like a lot more paragraphs about possibilities and options for you around the new moon, if it wasn't anything overseas there was about 30 other options, so please read your full horoscope for guidance, Cancer, and if you're going abroad, you know when this clears up I'd love to visit.

Alex: Okay, okay. Leo. Leo was very good. They were all good but Leo had a lot of like fun flowery language, which I always love from Susan. She said that Venus will put a spotlight on your social life, so she did say, think of ways to improve your appearance. Get ready for your close up to dear Leo, is what she said. And she also said that in terms of money, you were probably going to see some, it wasn't going to be something that came from an inheritance or something like that more likely from a quote sale of goods or services. And she talked about how some people are very good about selling things on the internet. And it seems that Leo you are one of those people, because you are known to have great taste and style and quote, who wouldn't want what you are selling?

Laura: Oh wow, I mean, does Susan Miller need some influencing lessons from the Leos? Leos, help her out. Yeah, great taste and style and good at selling things. So the other thing that I looked up right before we started recording is I'm a casual, but enthusiastic royal watcher and there is the Oprah interview coming up with Harry and Meghan, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, and Meghan Markle is a Leo so when you said get ready for your close up I was like, oh she's ready, and you're gonna hear it.

Alex: Yes, Meghan, you might want to wear something new or get a fresh perfume.

Laura: They’ve already recorded so I can we like the advice, but thank you, Alex, like Meghan Markle, Duchess of Sussex, if you're listening, I mean we've already seen her look, it's already been teased and it is very fresh. I don't think we can't smell through the TV but I believe that Meghan Markle smells delicious. Yeah, I mean definitely like just a breath of fresh air.

Alex: Yeah. So she did all this stuff. She didn't even need Susan

Laura: But now let's just hope that Meghan Markle listens to this podcast.

Alex: Wow, put that out there,

Laura: Goals, dream big. Taureses, dream big. Please let Meghan Markle listen to this podcast. Oh my god or any royal family member, I would be like anyone like

Alex: Yeah we’ll take anyone.

Laura: No, I will not take Prince Andrew, Prince Andrew if you're listening please turn off your turn off this podcast immediately. We abjure you. I do have some boundaries. Moving on, it's my turn.

Alex: It’s your turn. It's Virgos turn.

Laura: Virgo, this is your horoscope for March 2021. This month, reach for one of the brightest twinkling stars above you and put that shining star in the palm of your hands, it has your name on it. Keep that brilliant star with you to remind you that with the help of Mars, the March 28 full moon, and the coming eclipses in Gemini, the first to arrive June 10, you are on a fast track to success. The smart money is betting on you, Virgo. I only read that because it was so much about stars and putting them in your pockets I didn't know where she was going but in sum Virgo: the smart money is betting on you. Also, I didn't know they were eclipses happening in JUne but we're gonna, I'm sure she'll cover that in the coming months.

Alex: So, yeah, Virgo, another great one. Yeah.

Laura: Go, go get it. Okay so Libra. This is your March 2021 horoscope. Susan says, now let's turn to what could very possibly be the centerpiece of the month, the full moon in Libra.

On March 28 something dear to your heart will come to fruition. And it looks like you will be thrilled with the response you get. The March 28 full moon in Libra will be one of the most divine beneficial full moons of 2021. This full moon will create a golden triangle in the night sky, the most harmonious configuration possible. So Libras this full moon is for you.

Alex: Really, wow.

Laura: I don't even know what a golden triangle means. I didn't investigate that astrologically. It just sounds like a fortuitous portal of goodness.

Alex: I think it is. Great. Okay, Scorpio, so I'll give you some more details because I am also a Scorpio. Um, she started out by saying that career will take a backseat to fun and love, and that this is the most romantic year, or most romantic month of the year for Scorpios. I mean, again, I don't want to get too much into it.

Laura: Alex is a Scorpio.

Alex: Right, I'm a Scorpio, I can't help it. Yeah, but I mean we're in a pandemic. it's freezing in New York. I just don't really understand why this is. Maybe it will be the most romantic month which is a little depressing because then it means the rest of the months are really brutal. So because of this she suggested that I quote upgrade my appearance, perhaps get a haircut, a stylish top for Zoom meetings.

Laura: Ooh Alex, I kind of like that.

Alex: Yeah, I do too. I want a stylish top for Zoom meetings. And then also to choose a fresh scent.

Laura: Well, do you want to get some Dolly Parton perfume too?

Alex: Yeah, I do. So glad we worked this out because now I know what to do. Apparently, Venus and Neptune are going to meet on March 13 and it's going to be an enchanting day for quote breathtaking romance. Now, we're, we're going back into like a little Susan Miller discussion of romance here. She says she says that that day, March 13, when there's a meeting of Venus and Neptune is quote worthy of the most romantic dinner you can imagine. Well, Susan imagines it with her favorite candles and rose petals.

Laura: Yep, that's her main idea.

Alex: I mean, she’s a traditional gal.

Laura: We covered this, if you haven't listened to our Valentine episode, Susan Miller is a traditionalist when it comes to romantic gestures. We also gave some tips on like ways to romance yourself if you're not currently partnered. So, you know, Alex, you can light candles and have rose petals.

Alex: I might, I mean, if the mood strikes me on March 13. Yeah, and she did say that if you are a single Scorpio, a friend may set you up, and you should absolutely accept and dress up, and she said this is no weekend to hold back.

Laura: Wow. Okay, Alex. If I knew any men, I would set you up that weekend.

Alex: And I would get really dressed up.

Laura: Maybe you can have a conversation with our favorite influencer, Linus. Yes, @linusdoglife, that’s his Instagram handle, I'm sure he would be happy to date you on March 13.

Alex: I think he would. He’s always very excited to see me.

Laura: Yeah, he's an influencer who can really influence too. We should get him some CBD water. He’s already a CBD influencer, he helps all the time.

Alex: That's true. She also went back to the imagery she talked about it in February, about the fleet of cupids. She said that they're going to be back, she did call them a fleet of cherubs this time. But they're apparently coming for me on the March 13 and 14th weekend.

Laura: That sounds so sinister.

Alex: It does. It sounds a little menacing and she mentions their bows and arrows, so like, it actually sounds like it could be harmful but I think she means it positively.

Laura: If you were fresh scent and a new top, and you hang out with Linus, it might be ok.

Alex: Yeah. Then she transitioned into a section about babies and she said that the question that she is most asked as Susan Miller is, when will I have a baby?

Laura: When will Susan Miller have a baby? oOr readers are like Susan, when will I have a baby myself?

Alex: Exactly. She said it was commonly asked by women in their late 30s I think is what she said specifically, so she said that if you're a Scorpio the new moon is going to be in your fifth house and that's great if you're thinking of having a baby, good time to go to a fertility specialist. But then on the flip side of that she said, if you don't want a baby and you're a Scorpio, be careful. Because you’re fertile.

Laura: Gird your loins, Scorpios.

Alex: Exactly. She said it's a good time for your career if you're someone who is paid for your ideas perhaps like a painter, or an illustrator, an actor, makeup artist, event planner, you'll see good things. Also in terms of money, you're probably, you might be getting some more money not necessarily from your salary but perhaps from like royalties or like licensing fees from something, but she did say that unfortunately you might have a quote large outlay of something, like perhaps her example was a deposit on a summer camp for your child, or if you didn't withhold enough taxes during the year, which, like, I mean yes that's how taxes work.

Laura: That's how taxes work. She told me I spent a lot of money this month and I was like yeah taxes are coming.

Alex: Yeah. Um, but she said don't worry Scorpio, you're going to have these expenses, but you can handle it. She's been talking a lot in 2021 about Scorpios moving and she said this might be a good time to think about that, that you might find a space that you like. She said it's a good time but it's not as good to move as it will be on April 17, so something to keep in mind. The full moon will light your 12th house of privacy and surprises, might be like a confidential project or perhaps good medical results. She said that as the month came to the end, you're probably going to feel like you want some privacy and rest and to make sure you enjoy this “me time,” which she called “me time.” Do not feel guilty about it. And to proceed with courage.

Laura: Oh, that's nice. Proceed with the courage. Wow there's so much going on for Scorpio. That was very thorough. Thank you, Alex. So Scorpios you might have a baby but be careful if you don't want to have a baby. Very romantic armies of cherubs coming for you.

Alex: Yeah, yeah. Be careful. If they look dangerous.

Laura: Yeah, but if you were a fresh new top on Zoom then they won't attack you. Okay. I mean I feel comforted. All right. Sagittarius. This is your March 2021 horoscope highlights. So Sagittarius. I marked this off specifically to tell you because Susan Miller had a warning for you regarding home repair. And as someone who's had her accurately predict some, like home stuff, I want to share with you that she says your home will become a major focus after the new moon on March 13, and the days and weeks to come. The New Moon is in Pisces and Neptune, the planet that rules creativity, but also the sea and bodies of all bodies of water will be conjunct the sun. Something Venus, anyway lots of planets in Pisces filling your home. Many Sagittarians may have problems with water at home, broken pipes, flooding, mold or no water at all. It can be there's too much ice or snow on the roof or threatening to collapse the roof.

So the problem might also be tainted drinking water. There are many possibilities and, you know, we already know that there's problems in Texas and Mississippi with water and flooding and things, so I just thought I should warn the Sagittarians that like this could be an issue for you. She also said though that like around the new moon things would clear up like you'd be able to get the estimates and things start to be repaired and on their way to being fixed, but I just wanted to like give a heads up the Sagittariuses to you know watch water in their house. But on a positive note she says the full moon March 28 will create a golden triangle in the sky, another Golden Triangle, a portal of goodness. Yeah, portal goodness is my phrase. She didn't say that, I'm just interpreting. But she says, those points of the triangle will be the full moon in Libra. The second point of the triangle will be Mars in Gemini, which rules your partner or spouse or fiance or steady sweetheart or business partner or agent or head of digital publicist or lawyer or other such person. You'll all be on the same wavelength though. All of those people that might be in your employ or connected to you as a partner, you'll be on the same wavelength. And the third point of the triangle will be Saturn and Aquarius, your third house of communication. All full moons bring a culmination so there's some sort of communication projects that might be almost finished and getting your final touches. Somehow a friend is in the mix too helping you get to where you want to be. So Sagittarius while your house may have some water damage, your communication projects will be well supported, very helpful aspects, and helpful people around you.

Alex: Great. Also good. Just watch out for the mold. Okay, Capricorn. Your March 2021. This was a bit of a funny reading. Well, she says Mars is getting ready to move into Gemini, your sixth house of work from March 3 until April 23. This will step up your pace at work and soon you will be like Lucille Ball, and her friend, Ethel in the chocolate factory with the assembly line bringing more and more to handle. You have to be organized and keep up. Then she proceeds to describe in detail that scene from I Love Lucy, and then she provides a link to it. It was like a very long part of Capricorn’s forecast.

Laura: I think that we should put that link in the show notes.

Alex: Okay. Yeah, that's great. Um, I think a lot of you probably are familiar with this, like I feel like it gets you know there's it's not a surprise that she that she would mention it. She knows that we know what she's talking about. So work is going to explode apparently for you Capricorn. And then the other little tidbit that I thought was interesting, and she provides the rationale that’s based on the stars and the planets for this, but the takeaway is, you might find a fitness instructor that you like on March 3 on YouTube.

Laura: Oh, that's helpful.

Alex: Something to keep in mind.

Laura: Yeah. Is that it for Capricorn?

Alex: That's it. Let's move on to Aquarius. Laura you had mentioned the emerald year coming for Pisces. Well Aquarius is experiencing the Emerald year right now.

Laura: Oh Aquarius is in the emerald year and Pisces will be in it. Okay, so what's going on?

Alex: Well, apparently Jupiter is in Aquarius for the first time in 12 years. And she says one of the most enchanting influences of Jupiter during what I call this your emerald year is to find one true love if you are single.

Laura: Aquarius’s one true love. Ok.

Alex: Yeah, um, she also said this full moon will be a white twirling glitterball in the night sky, which like I was kind of jealous. It's pretty awesome.

Laura: That's a great image. We have golden triangles, twirling what?

Alex: Twirling glitter ball. So I imagine like a disco ball.

Laura: Okay, yeah, we've got golden triangles, we've got twirling disco balls, emeralds years.

Alex: Yeah, there were also quite a few readings where she mentioned pixie dust being sprinkled around.

Laura: I see the influence of the CBD water.

Alex: Look at that.

Laura: I really do.

Alex: And there was one more interesting thing for Aquarius. We've talked before in other episodes when she says that people are going to receive buckets of money.

Laura: Oh yeah, buckets of money.

Alex: She likes to talk about buckets of money. Well, Aquarius, you may be getting a suitcase of money.

Laura: Oh, that's still nice! I feel like any luggage size of money is nice. Yeah, I mean, it like kind of suggests a heist, but like in a fun way.

Alex: Yeah, it does kind of. I don't recall if she said that you come into it legally so perhaps you pull a bank job this month.

Laura: Look Aquarius, it is your emerald year, let us know. It is emerald for money, it is a suitcase of money, what's happening with the disco ball? Wow, I mean it’s the Age of Aquarius like, I guess, you know what, Alex? Do you think she couldn’t sign that CBD water contract during retrograde, but do you think she signed it, like during, I feel like during Aquarius? I just feel like actually for the Age of Aquarius ,CBD water make some more sense. Well I mean based only on the soundtrack from the musical Hair.

Alex: Which I’m fine to go with that. Yeah. So now that we've gotten back to the Aquarius I am like, ah, if this is a deal she made during the month of Aquarius, based on my knowledge of the musical Hair, maybe the CBD water makes sense actually.

Alex: I’ll go along with it.

Laura: I mean that's the only way it makes sense. Alright let's cover, as we like to, some practical advice from Susan Miller that we glean for the horoscopes. The new moon of March 13 for many signs she said would be social, but again, Susan Miller the epidemiologist encouraged us to keep our gatherings small or stay home. Be safe because of COVID. She also said a lot of signs are gonna have some wanderlust I want to travel but please don't. Please be advised you know to recognize the safety guidelines around COVID and don't travel if you if you don't need to. And don't gather, you know with large, large crowds. So Susan Miller the epidemiologist is still concerned for your physical health with COVID and we all know now that she's concerned for your mental health and wants you to drink CBD water to cope with the life changing event and mass death on a global scale. CBD water is here for you.

Alex: Exactly. Yes, she also seems a little concerned, or she felt it was worth mentioning, that with all the new COVID variants, she thinks it's likely that we'll all have to have a third shot.

Laura: Okay, so if you if you've gotten the Moderna or the Pfizer or another vaccine that requires two shots, she thinks we’re gonna need a third bookster shot. Exciting. You know what I just got excited about? I just got my first dose of Moderna, which is why I'm very into Dolly Parton if you guys don't know Dolly Parton helped to fund the Moderna vaccine development. And so of course I want to buy her perfume to support Dolly Parton, but also when Susan was talking about the full moon being like very good for everybody, a few days after the full moon is when I get my last my second shot.

Alex: Great. Yeah, so that will only be good.

Laura: Yeah. And then I will be fully vaccinated, fully effective, two weeks later, when it's Aries season. So, like, I'll have to find out about, you know, when she releases the April horoscopes early or on time or late, we don't know now.

Alex: we have no idea, our worlds have been rocked.

Laura: Yeah, I mean, yeah, I would say like, I don't think that CBD water can help me with like the way that the pandemic has affected my life, but maybe the CBD water could help me with the way Susan Miller's horoscope release process has changed. The stressors I felt from her releasing the horoscopes early.

Alex: Well, we could write to her and tell her that that's what the CBD will help us with because apparently every day at 5:00PM Courtney reads her the fan mail.

Laura: Oh right, we learned that. Fan mail and business email. Well I don't know if we want to tell Susan Miller about this podcast now that we've just critiqued her first influencer deal. Look, we have all the hope in the world for Susan Miller, influencer. We know Susan Miller the businesswoman is adaptable and has been through many changes and perseveres. So, and she still brings us these horoscopes every month. What time they happen, we don't know anymore.

Alex: But we will continue to read them.

Laura: Yeah, the outlook is bright. Happy Birthday Pisces. We hope that you have a great birthday month. We hope everyone that you stay safe and well and this new moon and the full moon sound great. And if you liked these horoscopes or our thoughtful analysis of Susan’s Miller’s business deals, please tell a friend, leave a review, and if you are a lonely heart who actually finds love from these horoscopes please let Alex or I know at our email address. Right, Alex?

Alex: Yes, astrologyzoned@gmail.com. We would love it.

Laura: We would love to know if your lonely heart and that army of Cupids marches you through your emerald year glitter ball of success, or if you try the CBD water let us know.

Alex: Please let us know if you try the CBD water.

Laura: Give us your honest and fair review.

Alex: Yes, we look forward to hearing from you.

Laura: Well, thank you, everybody.

Alex: Thanks for listening.

Laura: Bye.

 


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About the Podcast

Astrology Zoned: A Susan Miller Fan Podcast
Susan Miller Reads The Stars. We Read Susan Miller.
Welcome to Astrology Zoned: A Susan Miller Fan Podcast! Laura von Holt (Taurus) and Alex Gershuny (Scorpio), superfans of Susan Miller and longtime readers of Astrology Zone, share their (non-professional) thoughts on astrology and the woman, the mystic, the oracle herself: Susan Miller. Each month Laura and Alex will break down their Astrology Zone horoscopes and discuss why Susan Miller’s combination of exciting predictions and practical advice causes them to return to her site month after month.

About your hosts

Laura von Holt

Profile picture for Laura von Holt
Laura von Holt is an author, entrepreneur, and creative coach. Her innovative personality and brand have been an inspiration to hundreds of artists living in NYC. She is well known for her speaking series “Don’t Quit Your Daydream!” and has been featured at SXSW & Seriesfest.

Laura is a captivating voice for women of all ages, and works as a coach to harness self-expression and goal setting, while battling the patriarchy and other oppressive forces, like self-doubt! Laura is an expert in the arena because she has followed a life of passion. Whether she is writing plays that earn her top marks in the New York Times, or wild romance novels (under the pen name Laura Lovely), she is a beacon to follow – which is easy to do because she leaves a trail of glitter behind her.

Laura is the host of The Mermaid Podcast and You're Doing Great. She is proud to be the world's foremost mermaid expert and your personal cheerleader. She writes romance novels as Laura Lovely.

Alex Gershuny

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Alex Gershuny has been a Susan Miller enthusiast for over fifteen years. She has a master’s degree in information and library science and most recently worked at an architecture firm. Before becoming a librarian, Alex worked for many years as an editor at an arts nonprofit. Aside from Susan Miller, some of Alex’s interests include art, baths, NY1, and musical theater.